Our family attended the first service of Biltmore Baptist Church East Campus this past Sunday. We had been to the original Biltmore Baptist, but not since Pastor Bruce Frank had become the new pastor. Pastor Frank was starting a new series on "The Five" Making your critical relationships work. The first of the five relationships to discuss was the parent/child relationship.
For many years I have struggled with many well-meaning but wrong Christians who believe that a child must take whatever crud a parent hands out in order to honor the parent. I had been told by three separate 'pastors' or religious leaders that honoring your parent does not mean putting up with the same crud all the time from your parents. Pastor Frank repeated that sentiment but he also backed it up with solid biblical teaching.
Honor according to the bible means to respect, revere or show reverence, obey, and having heavy/weight (in regards to the instructions they present to another person).
Honor DOES NOT mean grovel, desperately seek approval, does not mean to make yourself vulnerable to their hurtful ways, behaviors, or words, it does not mean to deny the wrongs they committed in your past in an effort to control you still.
In June it will be eight years since our family moved to North Carolina from our family and friends in Iowa. We had been attending a bible study that dealt with the hurts, habits, and hangups we received from our families. It was NOT A BLAME YOUR PARENTS FOR EVERYTHING type of study. It explained how one can learn from the hurts and move on with your relationships. Our family tried very much to do this with both sides of the family. I will not explain all the hurts that we experienced, but most Lifetime movies do not cover all the issues we have had to deal with in a week's worth of movies. The 'stuff' was severe and it was not only in our childhoods, but it was still happening. We decided that if we could not deal with the 'crud' still happening while we were minutes away from our families, then we would move to another state and hope the distance will assist the resolution of the issues.
Happily, some progress has been made, but sadly, not a whole lot with the most important relationship of my life growing up, with my mother. I will be honest, I could list page after page of all the things she did that I did not like, but let's face, my boys could do the same. I COULD ALSO LIST PAGES OF ALL THAT SHE DID RIGHT AND ALL THAT I RESPECT HER FOR, but sadly, only the negative things would be remembered by her if she ever saw it. She would not realize that I want a relationship with her but it cannot be toxic. It cannot be filled with guilt trips, silence, blame, bad mouthing, and lies. It has to be an honest relationship and it has to be a relationship that desires to move forward. At this time, it is not ready to move forward.
I am a very complex person and I know that very few people actually desire to find out more about me because that is human nature. Take what you see and do not bother to spend too much time investigating the truth of the person. One person may find me very funny and another very quiet and reflective. One may find me honest and another may find me holding back from them. It is because I have been hurt so many times, very hurt and no one cared to actually care about me.
This is not a pity party for me, I am simply stating that I do not believe anyone on this earth has a clue as to who I am and what I am about. Not my mother, not my father, husband, or children. No one has really made an effort to get to know me and that is really heartbreaking.
I am not in the midst of deep despair however, I know that fortunately or unfortunately as the case may be, God knows everything there is about me that the others do not care to know. He does not base his knowing on assumptions (rightly or wrongly assumed) but based on who I am in my heart.
That is why, I am putting myself out there once again to my mother and telling her to stop with the games, guilt, manipulation, and all the other things that have been going on for too long and get to know me. Find out why your games (literal games) on Facebook when you could have been talking to me upset me --like when you chose the facebook games over me to spend time with regularly. Why your forwarded emails about stupid stuff (send this out and you will get so much back in return emails) bothered me because you could have written to me or asked me about the boys and carried on a dialogue. Instead, a Christmas or birthday card with your standard guilt trip line was all we received.
I honor you mom because of all that you have done right in my life. The recipes you taught that my children love to this day, the skills and experiences you shared with me that made me love you so much are shared with the boys whether they realize it or not. However, I cannot allow the hurt to continue by making myself vulnerable to your hurt all the time.
Taking care of the written word,
Dannielyn
For many years I have struggled with many well-meaning but wrong Christians who believe that a child must take whatever crud a parent hands out in order to honor the parent. I had been told by three separate 'pastors' or religious leaders that honoring your parent does not mean putting up with the same crud all the time from your parents. Pastor Frank repeated that sentiment but he also backed it up with solid biblical teaching.
Honor according to the bible means to respect, revere or show reverence, obey, and having heavy/weight (in regards to the instructions they present to another person).
Honor DOES NOT mean grovel, desperately seek approval, does not mean to make yourself vulnerable to their hurtful ways, behaviors, or words, it does not mean to deny the wrongs they committed in your past in an effort to control you still.
In June it will be eight years since our family moved to North Carolina from our family and friends in Iowa. We had been attending a bible study that dealt with the hurts, habits, and hangups we received from our families. It was NOT A BLAME YOUR PARENTS FOR EVERYTHING type of study. It explained how one can learn from the hurts and move on with your relationships. Our family tried very much to do this with both sides of the family. I will not explain all the hurts that we experienced, but most Lifetime movies do not cover all the issues we have had to deal with in a week's worth of movies. The 'stuff' was severe and it was not only in our childhoods, but it was still happening. We decided that if we could not deal with the 'crud' still happening while we were minutes away from our families, then we would move to another state and hope the distance will assist the resolution of the issues.
Happily, some progress has been made, but sadly, not a whole lot with the most important relationship of my life growing up, with my mother. I will be honest, I could list page after page of all the things she did that I did not like, but let's face, my boys could do the same. I COULD ALSO LIST PAGES OF ALL THAT SHE DID RIGHT AND ALL THAT I RESPECT HER FOR, but sadly, only the negative things would be remembered by her if she ever saw it. She would not realize that I want a relationship with her but it cannot be toxic. It cannot be filled with guilt trips, silence, blame, bad mouthing, and lies. It has to be an honest relationship and it has to be a relationship that desires to move forward. At this time, it is not ready to move forward.
I am a very complex person and I know that very few people actually desire to find out more about me because that is human nature. Take what you see and do not bother to spend too much time investigating the truth of the person. One person may find me very funny and another very quiet and reflective. One may find me honest and another may find me holding back from them. It is because I have been hurt so many times, very hurt and no one cared to actually care about me.
This is not a pity party for me, I am simply stating that I do not believe anyone on this earth has a clue as to who I am and what I am about. Not my mother, not my father, husband, or children. No one has really made an effort to get to know me and that is really heartbreaking.
I am not in the midst of deep despair however, I know that fortunately or unfortunately as the case may be, God knows everything there is about me that the others do not care to know. He does not base his knowing on assumptions (rightly or wrongly assumed) but based on who I am in my heart.
That is why, I am putting myself out there once again to my mother and telling her to stop with the games, guilt, manipulation, and all the other things that have been going on for too long and get to know me. Find out why your games (literal games) on Facebook when you could have been talking to me upset me --like when you chose the facebook games over me to spend time with regularly. Why your forwarded emails about stupid stuff (send this out and you will get so much back in return emails) bothered me because you could have written to me or asked me about the boys and carried on a dialogue. Instead, a Christmas or birthday card with your standard guilt trip line was all we received.
I honor you mom because of all that you have done right in my life. The recipes you taught that my children love to this day, the skills and experiences you shared with me that made me love you so much are shared with the boys whether they realize it or not. However, I cannot allow the hurt to continue by making myself vulnerable to your hurt all the time.
Taking care of the written word,
Dannielyn
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