Turning Back Time, Mom of Teens Remembers

It has been so long ago that my first son was born on a cold and snowy January day. He was two weeks early, but I was ready. I wanted to meet him so much and I could hardly stand it. We made it to the doctor’s office for my regular check up only to be moved on to the hospital as he was on his way. My labor lasted only 6 hours and 32 minutes. He was not only early, he was also eager to face the world. He took a look towards his father and made a scowling face. That would be one of many scowls that his father and I would experience as our little ‘bundle of joy’ grew into the man he is today.

Our second son was born on a mild November day and my labor for him was only 2 hours and 42 minutes. This was a pretty good indication of the type of personality he would have; anything his older brother did he could do better. This has been a motivating factor his entire life and it has proved to be a benefit to him. He admires his brother even though they had their share of sibling rivalry. His brother made it on A B honor roll and he tried for the A honor roll. Not bad for bragging purposes.

Raising children has not been a cool breeze on a sunny day experience for us every day of their childhoods, but overall we have been very fortunate with our children. We have challenges and joys and we certainly have had tears of good and bad sources. We have as parents worked opposite shifts, part time, full time, second jobs, daycare in the home, and full time outside the home and currently I am working full time in my home as a freelance writer. All of these styles of employment choices had costs attached to them, but all were worth it for the family.
My oldest son is less than a month away from graduating from high school and it is hard to believe that I have a son that old. I can still feel him laying on my chest and belly while falling asleep and making those cute baby sounds. It has been said so many times before that they grow so fast. When a newborn is trying to figure out their eating and sleeping schedule, time seems to slow way down. During a temper tantrum, when time stands still you will never believe that your child will ever be old enough to drive, date and shave. But alas, that child continues to grow and you have a chance to look back on those who have shared their wisdom on child rearing with you during the new and exciting times of being a new mom. Most of that wisdom comes from the trial and error of parenthood shared with you in the midst of laughter and tears.

I hope that is what I can share with you to repay the many wise mothers who did the same for me.

Taking care of the written word,

dannielyn

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Twenty Years of Marriage

Twenty years ago today a pledge was made to remain married to another person till death do us part. There have been some great times, good time, so-so times and times when death of either of us would have been a blessing.

I know, that last part seems rather harsh, but seriously in what marriage hasn't there been a time when you really wanted out of the marriage. You were sick of your spouse, tired of the stress and certain you have made the worse mistake of your life. It is making it past those times that really make the difference in the longevity of your marriage.

I have no secrets on how to make a marriage last. I do however have a long list of mistakes that I have made over the years. There are times when he was at fault and there are certainly a long list of times when I have been at fault. But in the end, it doesn't matter who is at fault as long as we understand we are both just as responsible for the good times and the bad times.

Just the other day a couple of co-workers of my husband was discussing the 20 years that we have been married and the fact that we have a son that was born after we were married not before seemed like an odd position to be in. Can you believe we have come to a time in our lives that a long marriage with children born after the union would seem like an oddity?

We have two boys in their teens, one is going to be graduating from high school in a few short weeks. He is planning on attending college and at some time he will find a girl that he simply cannot live without and decide to marry her. I hope that he will have learned that no matter how horrible marriage may seem at times, it is best to spend time thinking of ways to stay together rather than finding the easiest way to get away from the marriage. I hope they both have learned that marriage still is a serious commitment and should not be traded in simply because for a period of time you do not like your spouse.

It is not uncommon for one spouse to not like their spouse for a time. In fact, it is very common to not like your spouse from time to time. The key here really is the fact that you will always love your spouse no matter what your daily opinion is of that person.

There are certainly nothing wrong to admit that marriage is hard. There is nothing wrong with saying that even if you love your spouse you don't always like them. There is nothing wrong with saying the 20 years has gone by both quickly and slowly at the same time. There is nothing wrong with hoping your children picked up on the message that no matter how difficult it has been that you have made that commitment to each other and to your children to stick it out.

I have lived with my husband longer than I lived with my parents. That in itself is a staggering thought. It is even more so when I look at the fact that my son is about to enter that category of life as well. It brings it into perspective once again. I hope we have set forth in our boys the significance of the commitment that marriage requires.

So as we get ready to celebrate the 20th year of our marriage I hope that others will see that marriage takes on all sorts of shapes and sizes and all should be celebrated.

Checklists to help ADHD and Autism Children and Teenagers

A child that has been diagnosed with ADHD find themselves lacking the ability to pay attention to details required to complete activities of daily living. Often the simple routine tasks are not completed independently without verbal prompts as the attention span of the child is limited which leads to frustration for the child, the parent and teachers. A child can build these crucial skills through consistency and encouragement.
Each task from each timeframe of the child’s day needs to be broken down into multiple steps in order to keep the child on track for the entire day. The checklists can include picture, words or a combination of both.

Morning Routine could include the following: Use toilet, wash face, brush teeth, comb hair, clean up sink, change out of pajamas, put pajamas into the dirty clothes, dress into clean clothes.

A checklist for chores would break down specific tasks, for an example sweeping the kitchen floor. Get the broom and dust pan from the closet. Pick up the rugs and shake them off. Place them outside the kitchen entry. Start sweeping by the pantry and end up at the kitchen entry, use the dustpan to sweep up the dirt. Place in the garbage can. Put the rugs back in the kitchen. Put the broom and dustpan back in the closet.

Checklists can also be used to track behaviors rather than tasks to complete. There are a minimum of 34 skills that a child with ADHD can be lacking in and need to focus on building up. The skills can be place in order of importance and worked on in that order. For example, the skill “staying on task” would not need to be added to the checklist as that is what the checklists are focusing on in whole. The checklist could track dealing with boredom, frustration, waiting your turn, doing good quality of work, patience, listening to others, accepting consequences, completing homework, accepting “no” answers, accepting criticism are a just a few of the skills to be learned.

The purpose of the checklists is to make remind the child to complete a task all completely before moving on to something else. This checklist process is meant to be an encouraging opportunity to mark success your child is making. It is a great opportunity for you and your child to celebrate his progress.

Conduct Disorder or Normal Teenage Rebellion

Normal teenage rebellion or conduct disorder, is it easy to tell the difference? It is. Conduct disorder previously had been called delinquency. Now, it has its own diagnostic criteria in order to identify behaviors that are more serious than simple teenage rebellion.
The key to recognizing conduct disorder in teenagers really begins before a child becomes a teenager. A number of behaviors can manifest before the child turns 13. The behaviors listed below are included in the diagnostic criteria for conduct disorder. The diagnostic criteria are from the American Psychiatric Association DSM IV of Mental Disorders.

• A) A repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate societal norms or rules are violated, as manifested by the presence of three (or more) of the following criteria in the past 12 months, with at least one criterion present in the past six months:
AGGRESSION TOWARDS PEOPLE AND ANIMALS
o Often bullies, threatens or intimidates others
o Often initiates physical fights
o Has used a weapon that can cause serious physical harm to others (e.g., a bat, brick, broken bottle, knife, gun)
o Has been physically cruel to people
o Has been physically cruel to animals
o Has stolen while confronting a victim (e.g., mugging, purse-snatching, extortion, armed robbery)
o Has forced someone into sexual activity
DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY
o Has deliberately engaged in fire-setting with the intention of causing serious damage
o Has deliberately destroyed others’ property (other than fire-setting)
DECEITFULNESS OR THEFT
o Has broken into someone else’s house, building, or car
o Often lies to obtain goods or favors or to avoid obligations (i.e., “cons” others)
o Has stolen items of nontrivial value without confronting a victim (e.g., shoplifting, but without breaking and entering; forgery
SERIUOS VIOLATIONS OF RULES
o Often stays out at night despite parental prohibitions, beginning before age 13
o Has run away from home overnight at least twice while living in parental or parental surrogate home (or once without returning for a lengthy period)
o Is often truant form school, beginning before age 13 years
• The disturbance in behaviors causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning
• If the individual is age 18 years or older, criteria are not met for antisocial personality disorder.

What if you have seen some of these behaviors in a teenager? You should know that there are possible skills that can be taught to the teenager that will specifically address the behaviors. These interventions should be used in addition to seeking assistance from professionals trained in mental health issues for children and adolescence.

The possible skills to be taught to a teenager at risk of conduct disorder or currently exhibiting conduct disorder include the following:
• Following instructions
• Accepting consequences
• Accepting “NO” answers
• Accepting criticism
• Anger control strategies
• Listening to others
• Positive self-statements about others
• Compromising with others
• Controlling emotions
• Coping with anger and aggression from others
• Self-monitoring and reflection
• Expressing concern and understanding for others
• Relaxation strategies
• Making restitution
• Seeking positive attention
• Disagreeing appropriately
• Showing sensitivity to others
• Asking for help
• Following rules
• Interrupting appropriately
• Making an apology
• Structured problem-solving
• Dealing with accusations
• Dealing with frustrations
• Expressing feelings appropriately
• Negotiating with others
• Problem-solving a disagreement
• Assertiveness
• Conflict resolution
• Accepting decisions of authority
• Communicating honestly
• Keeping property in its place
• Interacting appropriately with the opposite sex
• Waiting your turn
• Showing respect
• Getting teacher’s attention
• Care for other’s property
• Controlling the impulse to steal
• Use of appropriate language
• Making new friends

When reviewing the list of skills above, you may have noticed that some of the skills are the very basic skills that most children would learn at home or in the early years of school. There are some situations and home life that may not have been the best starting point for these children. Regardless of the beginning years, each child will need to have these skills taught to them by professionals and other significant adults with a large concentration on consistency. The child or adolescent needs to have each skills used consistently with them and by the adult assisting the process.

There is always hope for a child or adolescent displaying behaviors consistent with conduct disorder. Being aware of the symptoms and taking immediate and consistent steps to change the behaviors will enable a child or adolescent opportunities to become a productive member of society.

A Teenagers Mom

I have to admit that as a mother of a teenager, I have had to do less parenting than when they were younger and it is a lot easier to parent a teenager than it is a toddler or primary school age child. Yet, there are less problems and disciplining that I have to do.

I have to admit that I love my boys so very much. But I was strict with them; bedtimes, snack schedules, types of snacks, cleaning their rooms, learning to do chores, homework, manners, treating others with respect, and so much more.

My oldest son in Kindergarten would spend forever getting out of the school because he was always talking to others and being kind. While that was good that he was being kind to others, he held up the teachers and well, me and his brother and the children I cared for in my daycare. So, Tony, his teacher and I spoke one day and I told him that if he didn't start getting ready to leave school quickly he would lose privileges at home. I asked his teacher to remind him of the consequences. The teacher was willing to help as Tony was in AM kindergarten and she had lunch and preparing for the PM class to do before they arrived. Tony actually did very well with the setting of boundaries and found he had more fun when he got outside with the rest of his class and played before everyone left.

My youngest son had speech issues when he was younger and was due to some issues while in the womb. But anyways, Andrew was between two and three years old when this issue took place. We were at a restaurant and Andrew was being rude to the wait staff. Whether you have speech issues or not, being rude is not acceptable. He was taken to the bathroom with his father to "discuss" the issue. He came back and was told to apologize to the wait staff. He wouldn't. Another "discussion" took place. When he finally apologized for being rude, the wait staff was surprised. No other parent had ever made their child apologize for being rude.

We had the same "issue" take place two more times in two different restaurants. Same process took place, but after the third event of rudeness, Andrew was no longer rude to wait staff. Still isn't, he says please, thank you and will talk to them in many other ways than just giving orders.

My oldest son went to prom last weekend. He has a girlfriend that he was going with, but also five other girls that were in his group of friends. He drove our mini van and was a wonderful date, chauffeur and friend to all the girls in his group. I received a call from his girlfriend's mother telling me how charming and wonderful he was when he arrived. He opened the car door for her, was pleasant and gracious and wonderful.

I am a mother of two teenage boys. Both are doing wonderful in school, our youngest has gotten straight A's all year long, and I couldn't feel more blessed. I know it is due to God's direction in raising our children and because we were strict with love when they were younger.

As my oldest is about to become an adult in 8 months from now, I am looking at him not as much my son I need to parent but as my son who I am fortunate to become friends with more as time goes by.

Oh, there is a fine line between what kind of friend a parent and child can become, but I truly believe that there is much to look forward too.

I am enjoying being a mother of teenagers.

Struggling to become a lady of Proverbs 31!
Dannett